The air's cleared! Finally! A big big big relief for the 2 of us.

We spent a whole night talking about everything that happened in the past 2 weeks. From me dropping my first tear in a long long time to her crying to herself at night even on cruise. =( But overall, I am super relieved that things are ok now. Same as before. =)

Well, it's been the first time we met since stuff happened. It's been like one week + since we last saw each other. Was it awkward? Haha.. It was to me. It helped that we were with a group of people who do not know the story and all we talked about was our HK trip.

I thought last night that I have gotten over things, but there are always moments which I just felt that I missed you. All the rants and stuff we share.. On your tumblr.. I would really be willing to do those you posted on 27/12 for you to the best of my ability, but.. would you give me a chance?

You said you're at your wits end because of something. What is this something? It doesn't help that you are telling me it doesn't matter. There is something behind all these which I do not know about. Come on, you know how well we understand each other.

Today.. I could sense something when Xing teh-ed me and stuff, and when I opened the sweet wrapper for her and sort of almost fed her. Also, when you told me on the bus about the steamboat at golden mile.. There was an impending urge to say "Let's go leh!", but yea.. And and when you just bought the frogs porridge to share like that. Over-reacting? Haha.. or understanding a little too well. Well, it can go either way. Oh, and your red hair when I asked if you dye-ing red and you said you din like red.....

I am like a total fool now. Haha.. If it turned out to be such that I was always the spare tyre, I'm an idiot. Like I told you ages ago, and you told me to.. there isn't a need for you to do this cuz there is nothing to gain. Emotional support gained. But anyhow, up to now, I still believe that you wouldn't do such stuff. Yet, everything points to this. Is it worth it even doing such cover ups just for something I do not know. I mean, just let me know would you?? Pls... But dont tell me a white lie.. ='(

The first tear dropped in a super duper long time. I can't remember when was the last time. Though it was just ONE drop, it meant something.

It was dropped because I was listening to Ah Du's 下雪 song on radio in the car as it was raining very heavily outside. I din even pay much attention to the lyrics, but at that point of time, I had decided to drop it for good. And when the song played, all the happy times flashed through.. all the way to us saying we would walk down Orchard road taking photos with all the Christmas decorations. I recalled how excited I was when I was talking about it.. saying that I always wanted to do such things but had no chance.. And now, it's just all gone.

The tear was not because of any other external factor, but just me deciding that hey, it's over. All those things were just memories. They were really wonderful memories. We were "unofficially" together for like one month... Met up like 14 times in November, a good 2000 minutes talked over the phone. Endless sms-es that last from 早安宝贝 to 晚安宝贝s be it who woke up first or slept first. Those sms kisses, phone kisses.. when we both just fell asleep over the phone and woke up to see 2hrs/3hrs passed. Haha... To the point when I just had the feeling to say the 3words to you as you were sleeping, and you said had you known, you would not have slept. All these memories..

Why is fate so cruel?! Put everything together nicely just that it was dropped at the wrong time! One month earlier at least? Everything might really change. Throughout the whole thing.. it's super obvious that if you were not with him, we would really get together. But the fact is that you were with him. And the horrible thing is that we are like getting super close with each passing day and you kept on saying that you and him wun last and stuff. That's something that gave me hope, and continue doing everything I did, which you reciprocated whole heartedly.

I can make big detours just so that you do not bump into him when with me. Go big circles, take a different route, stop at a point 200m away hidden from him and stuff. Do you know how much it hurted me?? But I did it just simply because I dont want you to be unhappy.

You always said we have lots of time to do lots of things together. But has it finally run out? The photos you took on cruise with him.. your expression was just blissful. Was it all an act for him? Haha.. even if you told me that, it'll be hard for me to believe. So, I wun believe, but I would just accept.

Haha.. the irony. Everything I talked to you about even before we got close seems to be happening to me now. All these shit..

That Thurday night went I looked you up and we talked, and I told you I would do my best to not love you anymore.. The next day you kept on dropping hint. WHY?! You could have left it at there, and it would be better. No matter what I do, I'm still not strong enough to hurt you. Why on Saturday when we met, I told you I realised everything you wanted to do.. and just wanted to not hurt him. Your reaction was neutral with slight guilt. And throughout the time we were out, you mentioned his name thrice! The cruise.. omg.. haha..

Simply because I dun want you to be hurt, that's why Im still hanging on. Even up to now.. I saw the cruise pictures, and I know I really have to be strong and get away from you. But, my biggest worry would be that you get sad over it.. haizz...

Really.. understanding you too well hurts a lot.....

It's been a shitty 2 weeks. I've been practically emo-ing the whole time these 2 weeks.. It's all about yj.

First up was the pig's birthday. She planned his birthday and they went out the whole day. I'm ok with that, but somehow it just felt saddening and perhaps that the night out for supposedly my birthday was cut short and it seemed more of a date. Appreciate is one thing, feeling for it is another things.

Then after that came the news that they're going on a cruise together with her family. Wad de.. I was super duper emo. How can she let that happen if she's been telling me that all she's doing now is not to hurt him at his weakest point and that's all?! Ok, i accepted that too. Chose to believe that was the real point, and somehow felt relieved that I saw it that way.

However, in-between seeing it as it is, I met her up on 16/12 night to talk about us. By then I've decided to let it go, and try hard to stop loving her and to just be friends, and also at the same time, to let the pig know about us because I felt that enough is enough. I have really done a lot a lot to just make her feel happy and can be sad and emo and be at the background the whole time. I thought 开心就好, but it turned out that they got closer. Yj gt emotionally closer to him over the months since October when I start to really chase after her.

After we parted on Thurday, she asked me out for dinner on Friday. And it was actually ok, but why did she have to drop so many hints to me?! Did I catch the wrong ones? Choose to believe the wrong ones? Maybe, perhaps. And so, on Saturday, we met for breakfast and I told her ok, no, I understand that wad's you're doing to him is just to not hurt him, nothing else. I accepted that, and will continue chasing you. I felt the reaction. For 2 person who understand each other so well, I knew you had something in your mind then. There was a big block.

Nevermind, Saturday night I sent the super knn email to the guy telling him about her. The next day, she said I betrayed her trust and stuff and ignored me until only yesterday. Well, she was on cruise from Sunday to Wed night with her parents and the guy. I would never do such things.. she knew about the email I was going to send. Perhaps it was some rashness that included things that were slightly off.

The whole time she was at cruise, I was apologizing non stop. And did some super big surprise at her place when she came back. The reaction was rather different from wad it would be previously. Is it because she was still very mad? Or did the trip and the email somehow made them closer.

And today, I saw the photos of their trip on facebook. This is shit. A really shitty feeling. Come on! I know I chose this path right from the start when I decided to let you know of my feelings because you were already attached to him. But why did I do so? It is simply because you reciprocated. Throuhgout the months, we grew so much so much closer. All the late night talks, endless sms-es, outings.. Plans for holidays, cruise etc.. Everything! There was the "love is in the air" thing going around. I'm not an idiot.. if there isn't anything going around from your side, why would I jump further and further in?!

And the worst thing, you never explicitely say that we have no chance, or we have a chance. So I'm constantly waiting.. All the hints doesnt help.. from "I think 2 person have to be attracted to each other to constantly have things to talk about", and "It doesnt matter(that you let me know your feelings now), because the only difference is who says it first). You know how hard it is when you see someone you really love being with someone else.

I never blamed you, and am not blaming you because I got myself in this shithole. The cruise pictures on facebook really made me u know u know. I cant take it anymore now. I cant.... It's been since early October and everything, every single thing I did was so that you be happier each day. Every surprise, outings, listening ear.. BIG detours so that we do not bump into him. I dunno what you tell him about us. I do not know about now, but I do know that for a period of time in October and November, aside from being your bf, I was providing everything a bf could provide.. all the emotional support and stuff.

You dunno how hard it hurts when you rant about things he do to me. I just listened and pushed my emotions to the back and just consoled you so that you can feel better. Our pictures? Just 2 good friends doing stupid things together. Your pictures? A girl who loves the guy..

My hands never trembled so much. Not with Priscilla. You said do not compared you with her because it's demeaning. I'm not comparing. But somehow, certain things are similar. Why am I always in this shit?!

When I saw the fb photos, I wanted to cry. I really do, because if I did that, I would feel a lot a lot better. But I just cant.

Dont say I dont understand you when Im typing all these. I know you can probably do it, but I cant anymore. I cant absorb everything, and control all my thought just so that you feel happier and not so bothered about things I say. I cant.. No more.. I'm very lost.

It's a race of time now.. You make yourself clear, or I eventually drift away from you. We or maybe I fell for you cuz of personality and character. We never thought we would have anything going on. But somehow, things just happened. If you were single now, everything might be different.

I told you before, not showing, doesnt mean not having. He can cry in front of you, rant about all his shit and stuff, and you worry and wad nots about it. I dont not because I dun have. It's because I can control.

Maybe if you have no reason to love someone, it's harder to give it up because there isnt a reason why you love, so there's nth to break it. But if there's a reason to love, if the reason is gone, den it's gone...

All those 宝贝s.. and XXOOs, and phone XXs, and the hand holdings. Ok, can be nothing. I'm thinking too much huh. Fine. Den what about all the tehness, the saying 我对你最好，我最了解你..

I really hope you can come out and let me know everything. I know your point that we cannot start anything because you're with him. So.. solve it! Let me know or let him know. Wad is wrong?! This is not very difficult. I have no right to know or interfere.. but.. so?! I'm the direct party involved. ..

"I don’t understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without. How even thought you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it’s easier than working things out." <- Author Unknown.

It's a meaningful passage itself....

Emo-ey week.....

Oh my glutinuous rice! GRRR!! One should not publish blog posts late at night! You never Q-C. Grrr! And I had to edit it to remove some sensitive personal stuff in it. And there were 4 views le! OMG! =(

Birthday!

3/12/10

I went over to Boon Lay for an early breakfast but everyone wad late!We met at JP and had this Yogurt Ice Cream thingy. We planned to just grab a bite before going over to meet the other Voices people who were at Voices Keep Fit Day at Jurong West Sports Hall, but ended up talking until quite late, and so we just took the train back to the East and hung around East Point before meeting the rest for dinner.

I treated Voices for dinner at Bedok Blk 128! =D A super sumptuous zi char dinner that had
- Birthday Mee Sua
- Cold Dish (Water Chestnut omelette, top shell, black pepper beef, seafood balls with lychee, sweet and sour fish)
- Steamed Fish
- Marmite Chicken Wings
- USA Duck
- Cereal Prawns
- Yi Ping Wo (Abalones, fish maw, sea cucumber, scallop, prawns)
- Baby Kai Lin with Abalone Mushroom
- Red Bean Glutinous Rice Dessert

Ming Ming, Kee Onn, Darren, Winnie, Roxanne, Miao Ru, Yuxing, Qian Hua, Roger, Wei Ping, Yi Kang, Marcus, Yanjia, Kendrick, Ben, Sze Hao, Jansen, Wei Hao, Angela and Hao Ran turned up! Super a lot of food, super big portions! Everyone was full to the max after that!

Well, I got rather emo after the dinner with stuff. Ngiam-ed over the phone at midnight for awhile. It was a super emo thingy for myself. I guess I was tired due to the lack of sleep as well ba! I took a short nap and woke up feeling super guilty about the whole thingy. I did an apology video hoping it would be laughed at and yea….

4/12/10:

I had difficulty sleeping throughout the night, and when I woke up the next day, I was so afraid of B-Con. I felt that it's rare to find someone with so much chemistry and understanding.. I called Angela and talked about it for an hour plus but after that, I did not really feel better. No choice though, as I had to gear up to get to Macau for a rehearsal practice with the singers.

Throughout the practice at Macau, I always had the previous night's incident preoccupied in my mind. Hoping that I would receive an sms or something. When I finally got the sms that things are ok already, and it was juz a bad night, I felt really really better. Oh, and the video is indeed funny! =D

Next was dinner with paternal side at Yan Palace which I thought is very average. They used lots of msg though.

After dinner, I went back home to chill awhile before going over to Michelle’s place for Almido’s birthday gathering for me. I received a surprise birthday call at midnight! I was super duper awesomely happy then! Haha! Problems solved, and back to normals!

I thought the idea od actually knowing that I'm with Almido and wanting to pop up and surprise me is sweet. Though it din really happen, but the thought that counts la! Haha! That's the reason why my old Nokia was not returned to me even though a new iPhone4 has been purchased. And this just means that the plan was there since 13/11 which was the day she got her iphone. Awwwwww~ Though it did not happen but it was a thought and a lovely surprise which I did not pre-empt at all!

When we ended the call, and I went into the house, they were saying that I was brimming with laughter, and full of radiance! =D I guess it was partly due to the phone call, but on top of that, it was another wonderful gathering with Almido. Even when I have no plans for my birthday, I know Almido will always plan something and that is very heartwarming!

First up was my birthday “cake”! Candles on a you tiao, and with tauhuey too! They formed JOEL on the tau huey using gummy snakes! Haha! That is very creative and I really liked this a lot! It’s the idea that really counts.

Next were the presents. Three tops. One “Shit head”, one Rock and Roll , and one dri-fit. I really liked the presents because I did not buy tops for myself this birthday and they bought it for me! Also, the dri-fit.. I have wanted a dri-fit for a super long time, and they got it too! The card’s something that you cannot but with money. As per previous years, I really love it!

We spent the night htht-ing and myself interrogated and Guitar Hero-ing before all of us turned in at 5.

5/12/10:

We woke up the next day at about 9 and headed down to Prive for breakfast! Wonderful company with good food! =)! Unique birthday breakfast together!

After that, I went back home to chill and catch up on some sleep before dinner with maternal side at Chin Huat Live Seafood.

- Geoduck Sashimi + Shabu Shabu

- Poached Live prawns

- Dong Po Rou

- Lobster fried with XO sauce

- Roasted Chicken

- Tau fu with mushrooms and Tau Kee

- Hokkien Mee

After a super duper full dinner, I went over to Macau for my first performance ever and Yanjia was sitting there waiting for me! A big big surprise! =) =) =)!! She was there to pass me some birthday presents as well as to encourage me on my first day performing! She actually wanted to pass me the presents and leave, but I told her she could stay and watch if she wanted to. So, she stayed until 2am when I ended =). My teacher talked to her a little and was like encouraging me to talk to her more. Like erm, if we don’t talk enough, WHAT IS ENOUGH!? Haha! The xiao di xiao mei treated Yanjia very well too.. Constantly checking on her drinks and offering her drinks and stuff！

After I ended, we drove around aimlessly and talked talked talked! Super duper aimlessly before we ended at Jurong Bird Park Hill Top BUT when we reached there, it was TOTALLY EMPTY. We felt awkward and quickly drove off and ended up just below her block where we took like 108137261203871 photos! Super a lot with lots of damn unglam poses! =D Did super a lot of childish and silly things… Haha!

6/12/10:

I came down with runny nose and was unwell, and so slept from 7am to 7pm! =D After that went to Macau for work as usual.

7/12/10:

I met up with Shunfa, Weichin, Dikai, YiBin, and Yanming for dinner at Pearl River Palace. They’re quite nice leh! I told them that I was treating them, but they bao “ang pao” equivalent to the price of the buffet dinner. It was Chinese ala-carte buffet dinner that was rather good! About $39 per pax on weekday nights. It has been some time since all of us had a nice meal together, and talking about the army stuff we went through! =)

8/12/10:

I was bao-ed today to celebrated my birthday but the bao-er fell sick!!! =( It was the fever and runny nose thingy, which I thought I passed to the bao-er on Monday. The constant late nights and stuff did not help the bao-er too. Therefore we only met at like 630pm instead of much earlier.

It was good in the sense that the bao-er had enough rest and was not looking bad when we met. First was dinner at this charcoal fish head steamboat place at Jalan Sultan, which soup is superb! We went over to Golden Mile to jalan jalan a little after dinner. We checked out the cinema there but all it was showing was some Tamil movies! Omg! Haha! After hanging around there for a while, we spent sometime in the car checking out the movies around. I wanted to catch The haunted House Project but no cinema was showing it though.

Next was Yong He at Geylang then Ah Chew at Bugis, before we went over to Barrage to chills and talk. =) A simple day out but it was the company that matters.

All in all, it was a really comfortable and fun day! A little tiring at the end but =)