I have been crying spasms recently. That I just want to hide under my blanket, cuddle up, hug onto something, and just cry. Am I really stressed? I guess it probably links to the fact that I felt alone some time back. I am still alone no matter what, and the problems are getting bigger and bigger.. Many things happening at once and all coming down with problems I am in no position to solve immediately. No one to share these with. It seems like I need a partner. Haha.. I do not know. 

Flashbacks of the drowning incident keep coming back recently as well. I feel that I have lost things I had before. I hope I can reach a balance of things if Three Rounds really go ahead. I am the main motivator of it.. In a way, a big pressure and stress on me, handling still ok, but perhaps I do constantly need someone to cry to, literally. 

I just came back from my 2nd overseas trip alone, a 7D6N trip to Bangkok. It was mainly a relaxing trip for me to explore Thai foodstuff, and for me to focus my thoughts to what I would like to do after graduation.

I have found the direction thankfully. But the trip fell between 4/8. A date I wanted to avoid being in Singapore anyway. It's a horrid day for me.. Because I know what day it is.

I went to a local pub in bkk, and was introduced to this wonderful song. Candy - WatChaRaWaLee. Apparently it is a love song that is playing at almost  every wedding! And it is a song the locals love a lot.

Have I really grown up? Many changes and different experiences in my life over the past 2 years. Highs, lows, university, ktvs, kitchen, school again, girl who loved me the most, girl who I got into a proper relationship for once, 3rd parties, misunderstandings, difference, human touches, my own business. 

Compared to previously, I know I have changed. I have gained experiences and have different opinions in life now. Perhaps like how I rediscovered my passion.. things were always there, but I was always looking from another angle. 

My passion.. Was it just simply the love for music or food? Or just simply money? I realised that eventually, I love hanging out with friends. Everything I do, I was creating an excuse for a gathering with my friends. Ever since secondary school times.. I organized weekly soccer sessions. Was it simply just for the game? I guess I could safely conclude now that it was for the company. 

I mentioned sometime back that my life changes 3 times. 1st when I picked up soccer, 2nd when I picked up music, and 3rd when I picked up culinary officially. All for the same reason. In a way, I am proud of myself, that I have finally found out my main happiness in life. Eventually, I do want to have a cozy, comfortable, happy family. And to achieve that in my truly beloved Singapore, money is an important issue. I recall yun's mum conversation with her sis in their van some time back. Her sister was asking if her mum bought the blueberrys from ntuc because she loves them, and if she bought more if it was a promotion. Her mum answered that she did not look at the price when she bought them simply because for such a simple item her daughter asked for, what's there to be concerned about the price. Just buy. It's a simple vague conversation, but I took out quite a bit for it. Sometimes it is not about spoiling your kid.. it's the small things that people value in life. We're too busy and neglecting everything here.. 

My relationship with Yun was filled with quite a bit of arguments over conflict of ideologies and perpective in life. I guess I have taken some along with my even though we broke up. Such as not asking for a plastic bag when I do not need it. It was an experience that taught my many things I guess. Somehow, it was yj who I still feel I could relate to most easily. In a way, I do miss and think back on those times, but it is all simply memories. 

Kailian... I dunno how she is right now, but I do hope that she is living her life well. Come end of Oct 2012, we would have broken up for a year. 

In a way, I could see why my dear friend marcus is still with kelly. I am guessing it's like me. Looking for a partner who is truly independent, yet becomes a small girl sometimes when with me. Of course, compatible character and personality plays an important role as well.

I have been neglecting many friends over the past 1.5 years since I started school, and am meeting as many people as I can recently. I do miss my friends. I never believed that guys could either concentrate on their career, or their partners, and not both at the same time. I'm getting to believing it. Oh wells.. part of growing up. 

In a way, I am missing the one week stint in Thailand alone. Where I have no worries and just spend day by day as it is. Thai songs are my favourite now.. the chord progressions and the feelings in them. =)

I do feel that I have gained so so so so much these 2 years. Meeting so many people from so many different backgrounds and culture. 

6 more weeks to end of school, and 3 more weeks to end of apprenticeship. I cannot wait. It is a whole new year awaiting me. 

I do sincerely believe, that I have grown up, a substantial amount. 

And I still love yun. I long for a big big hug. 

Having pride in my decision and achievements or simply being arrogant. It's a very very fine line. 

Cooking. Inspiration started of when I was a small boy watching my grandmum cook. Over the years, I got her recipe and replicated it at home. Now, as a chef trainee, my culinary skills and recipe collection surpasses hers. I even twitched some of her own recipes and refined them. Now, there are many times I comment silently on her cooking faults to myself. But I still gobble down everything every Sunday that I'm having dinner there.. afterall, it's the similar tastes that I grew up with. =)

Music. Started keys with Jane who was from hark music. At the point when she left the school, I have so much more musically in me than her. If we were jamming tgt, I could even point out flaws. Disrespect? No. She's a really nice lady. A good teacher. A good teacher might not be a good performer. Very true. 

I'm confused. I have so much on my mind. I need a break. Looking forward to the week long break I'll be taking.

News about a guy killed by a lorry, and his gf finishing up his unfinished business and the wake.. and talks about the past..

News about a girl falling to her death from an apartment. The bf wiped off her blood and tidied her up. Stood by her for as long as he could and before he was persuaded away by the police, gave her a final kiss. No final good byes for them..

News of friends getting engaged one by one.. some with kids even..

I'm sad. I love her.

A test of my mental strength. In all aspect. I know I would walk through everything safe and sound. May have some scratches here and there, but in general, safe. Would I change after going through everything on my own? I do not know. One thing's for sure, if I managed to get through everything successfully on my own, I'll be more kuailan than i already am, and super proud of myself. Of course, the "street-smart-humility" will still be there.

These include love, relationship, school, job, my own business.

Yes i am kuailan, and street-smart (or hypocrite some may put it), but it has served me well over the years. Logical reasons back me up. Pull and release of the string. I am feeling more kuailan now already. Fire's burning. It has stopped for the past 2 years or so. Come back. Soon.

Nom.

Spent the past 8 hours emo-ing and thinking about my life, about my future, what to do after graduation, and her. I love her. But.. I feel so lost now.. So empty, but many things that I do not know. I'm living in self delusion..

Just why are things like that? When we just got together, you were super insecure and kept on asking me if I would  bring a 3rd party between us. I told you firmly, no. Then you asked, how can i prove it. I said that I could not, but in any case, if there is one day I did not love you anymore, I would let you know, and not let things drag. The day I stop letting you read me is the day we shall end. 

And things went on well after that. A couple of months later, a third party came in. And u brought it in. What is this? Revenge? After all these months and so many things gone through? You just escape, choosing an easy path. I am deeply hurt. 

A wise man said.. "You dont want to ask questions you dont want to know the answers to." I agree. I have nothing left to lose. Everything to win. 

I failed in my patience a few times.. even the last time with yj.. patience failed and it destroyed everything. I shall just absorb everything and hope for the best. Hoping that someone's patience will run out. 

How many guys in this world would willing be a "joel" in the yj situation? That is to be close to someone, to love someone, and yet let the someone have a bf still whom she spends time with. I was in that position, and I could not stand it already. Perhaps if the guy was just bs-ing and using the girl as a sex partner, then that might be it. Other than that.. nah.. Shall see. Patience. And a lot a lot of self absorbing..

I almost lost her. Ball's now in her court and I would know the answer this Tues. I am very sad and cried a lot. It has been 6 months officially together and like 7.5 months unofficially. 

As I look through the dates and activity log of the dates we spent together, everything seemed just like yesterday. Our dinner at Megumi did not seem that long, but it was on 17/11. 

The first entry of the log was the super memorable night we spent walking home from Geylang! Singing, dancing, doing lots of stupid things together, something we did not think we would do in front of each other. 

Then the entire Nov and Dec suppers. I always meet her after work(I end at 11pm), and we talked, ate until about 2-ish before I go back home. We talked about alot, and had lots of problems as well. Be it coping with the study and work, different lifestyles, personalities, viewpoints, but it all turned out well in the end. 

I logged down every single day we met, and it was like 25 days in a month on average.

I hate myself. For being impatient at the wrong time. It has always been the case. I have always been impatient. But very patient to her. Why did I get uptight at that one moment on Saturday?! Things were already going right after the big Monday. Hiromi on Tues put things together. Making mash with bacon on Wed as you requested and we had a walk after that.. Something we had not done in a long time. And why must I get so uptight and thought that you were with him on Saturday morning when you did not answer my calls?! Turned out that she was not working, and wanted to surprise me at RWS after my work for a dinner together. She even thought of putting the $600 from WDA into our long long holiday fund, aka piggy bank. And I had to make one stupid mistake. This mistake is the one that is going to cost this relationship. 

I really love her a lot. I have never been so sad before. I was scared with yj, not so much of sad. I'm sad now. Very very sad.

When I get back home to my room, I see a queen sized mattres.. Just 4inches thick though. We bought it together so that we can sleep more comfortable when she stayed over. It was at a point 2 to 3 nights a week. I see the "good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite" bed shee/pillow case that she bought for us. When I lie on the bed, her familiar smell comes to me. The smell of her shampoo-moisturizer-oils. It's not pungent kind, it's a fragrace. I open on cupboard, and inside are all her stuff. Necessities and clothings. I am sad. Very. I randomly look around.. the hair-dryer I got for her.. her hairnet... Our herb garden.. The piggy banks... I close my curtains because she cannot sleep when the sun shines in.. "My eyes.. they burn!" She would say. In the toilet.. her cleanser, shampoo.. the toothbrush. 

I really love her. I really do.

I have always been committed by whole life. Even with kl.. I was when I was with her. I had patience.. I waited long for everyone. And it all ended without a happy ending. Happy ending!! That is what she said.. she longs for a happy ending for us. Before we got together, we told each other that we did not want a short term relationship. Long term. I am ready for a long term. I am. 

My Squirl... I really love you. Please don't give up on us. Give us one more chance. We do out best in this. I would treat you even better. I dont know how, but there sure would be a way. Have some faith in us, in me and in yourself. We have gone through a lot. It is really a lot for 6 months. It feels like a year or 1.5years actually. I became clingy because I cannot lose you to him. Because I love you so much. You know that I'm not the clingy kind.. that's why you decided to be with me in the first place. Let us walk thorugh this challenge together please? Nommy! 

From you silly pineapple fat mochi face small boy. 

Good night love...

My past relationships all had not too nice endings. The current one, is in danger as well. I am very very scared actually. We are now going through a very shaky spell. The presence of another person in the whole picture does not help the scenario at all. The main cause of the current problem would be overly possessive, and clingy. Yes, that is me. Something that is totally not me, but why the change? The paranoid-ness me is scared of this "person" in the picture.

First one.. P. Got cheated on right in front of me. Worn the green hat. Chung Chi called it a fiasco. The first relationship. Lasted 2 years even. Lessons learnt.

2nd one.. I have to say yj. We were not in one officially, but unofficially in a way. Lasted 3 months. They were really happy 3 months which I up to now, still smile when I think of those. It's purely memories now though. I was the 3rd party in this. We were super duper close, but I dropped a bomb because I could not stand it anymore, and I lost. We're just friends now. A far cry from before. Someone who saw me through the end of my NUS days, and the start of KTV. Thank you. A lot a lot a lot. 

3rd one. kl. Got tgt to forget yj. Started on the wrong track. I did honestly try to go the right path and get things straight. However current came into the picture. I was involved with a 3rd party in this. She eventually found out, and was devastated. Hospitalised. Up to now, I am still very guilty and will 永远欠 her. 

Current. Met in school. Got through super a lot tgt. A lot of challenges we each faced together, and individually with work/school. Fellow NUS dropout, from the same batch too. Small world. This was more of a "mature" relationship than a "honeymoon-ey" relationship. Started off a little too soon, but the love grew. 日久生情 in a way I guess. There were many happy as well as unhappy memories. Learning more about each other each time there were clashes. At the point when we got together, I was like perhaps just a mere 30% loving her. That was why I was delaying the question. Up to now, It's perhaps 95%. That is from my side. It's stronger than even yj. Just when all things were at its peak, a bomb dropped. I brought it up, another bomb dropped. Bombed 3 times. I'm now trying as hard as I can to bring things up. I am really getting tired, but still far from giving up. 6months than seem like a year because of everything we experienced, truly wholesomely loving her.. I cannot give up. This has not been an easy journey, external setbacks? Come on Joel.. you can do better. Just be more patient than you already have been. Everything will be alright in the end, if it is not alright, it is not the end.

I've been having thoughts lately. Thoughts of what I'm going to actually do after graduation. Rushing in to open my own eatery is a big big gamble. I need help. Lots of it. Next up, what kind of eatery do I want to do? Recently, I performed at Shuffle Bistro Bar at Clarke Quay, and read through their menu. Simple to do items, reasonably priced with reasonable profit margins. That's aside from the entire A3 page of alcohols to offer. Also, I just saw the revenue breakdown of a popular French dining place, and the profit margin of drinks alone make up the same amount as the food. The thought that came in was that, should I just do Chinese food like Soup Restaurant, Dian Xiao Er? Drinks make profit. Should I do something like Shuffle, or even Switch. I'm a little out of touch now, but I was very into this events performance kinda thing. Now, combined with the knowledge from the kitchen, I would have techincially experienced almost all operations from something like this. Music, food, events. Thinking.. Oh well.. 3 more months.. time is running out! I enjoy cooking, I enjoy performing, I enjoy doing up events. Hmm..... And the need to secure employment within 1 month from graduation too. My ideal setup would not be fine dining.. more of a casual dining/bistro. Live music goes well with these. Marcus.. I'm all alone now....

Back to music.. I'm getting more feel from songs now. Something I lost for a good 2 years or so.. ever since I stopped composing. I guess it's because I can feel more for the song lyrics.. That I cannot lose her in my life. Someone whom I never guessed would be so important in my life. Things just go this way sometimes. Someone who is independent enough, but would be a little girl at times, someone who breaks down to me sometimes, and someone who I can break down to. I never broke down to anyone before. Surprisingly. Someone who is perhaps as hot-headed and as stubborn as myself, but we cool down as fast as we burst. Just 4,5 months, but it feels long.. so much learnt... I'm really hoping for a wonderful journey.. Lots of differences that actually fills up the other's life.. I'm happy for that. I love her. a lot.

Rather mundane life these days. Mundane but learning new things all the time. I'm spending a large chunk of my time in the kitchen. After Fiesta, it's now at Hot production. Although the recipes over here now are not worth taking note, at least the whole production, operations, events stuff that I'm seeing around me teaches me things. In a way, I'm pretty happy over here. Talking to people, listening to experiences, and peeks into the Chinese production gives me some ideas on my future eatery. In a way, the concept and ideas are slowly coming in... Hoping for the best..

Other than at work at RWS, I'm learning new recipes and techniques at school. This term teaches me Chinese culinary skills, which is my "preferred major". In a way, although the previous term on Western stuff are kinda shitty, I still gained enough to come up with a western-isg dinner menu.

I cooked for David, Jun, Bit, Loo, and his gf last Friday.
Appt: Tuna Tartare, Tuna and corn in bechamel sauce, cocktail prawns
Soup: Cream of Potato
Pasta: Penne in Paila Marina sauce with white clams and shrimps.
Mains: Pan fried salmon with baby asparagus. Bernaise sauce.
Mains: Roast pork belly with onion stew and caramelised apples.
Dessert: Strawberry, Vanilla bean yogurt panna cotta.
Doing everything including the tomato sauce and prawn stock from scratch. And I'm quite happy with how my roast pork turned out!

Food aside, music an almost nil now. Free times are with the gf.

Dinner at Otto, got their Gourmet menu. Wonderfully cooked langoustine, suckling pig. Nothing that boomzed though. 2nd dinner at Thai Village was better. The duck web and crab tanghoon was nice to her too. Ascott raffles studio apt was very well equipped and a nice place. River Hong Bao.

And she's so important to me.

Nom.

2011 has been a long year. A year full of changes in my life. I've experienced so much in the past year. Have I grown even more mature? I have absolutely no idea, except that my attitude and character seems the same though.

Looking back..

Jan: Doing up Yanjia's 21st birthday. Coping with the 2nd month of playing at Imperial. The experience of being so happy doing up her birthday, down to the neutral feeling of things subsiding, all the way to dropping all things for each other. Me and yanjia, all in one month. We were really really close. I guess I can only say that those are now just in memories. One of the persons in my life that I shared almost everything. Someone who totally supported my thinking and ktv stints.

Feb: Yanjia left for Shanghai, and I sent her off. At the point when she walked into the customs area, it was a sad, longing yet very relieved kinda feeling. It's hard to drop something, but when 2 person could just drop it with so much mutual understanding, and things have come to an end, you feel so relieved. No tear dropped.

March/April: Boring life with Imperial everyday. No offs even. I just wanted to work. Life became mundane and I was getting bored.

Imperial closed down on 22/4 if I recall right, and I did their last show. The boss gave me $500 flowers for it. A sense of reminiscence when I left the place. It was my "training ground". Where I picked up the trade. 老师's job all from scratch. I was reaslly very fortunate to be given this spot. Adam was next door and he always looked after me. I really learnt a lot. Saw how money was thrown, saw how guys can be transparent. Cigars, diff countries cigs smokes. Drinks. Girls. PR. Night life. At the point when I left the place, I really couldnt bear to. Initial setup all for me, to my requirements. I miss the keyboards. I missed the playing.

May: It was a whole month of unpaid leave. I went travelling in China and looked for Yanjia, Jim and Dikai who all brought me around different places. Dikai really surprised me a lot. He's my 23SA friend, and though we were good friends, we did not talk much about personal life. I did not expect him to actually take leave to bring me around Shanghai. And to accompany me for food and shopping throughout. Really touched by it.

Also, I spent almost every other free day in Singapore exploring recipes and cooking and cooking and cooking.

June: I started work at Baidu. It was no where near Imperial in terms of customer support, deco and the overall 气质 was just lacking. However, I was given the sole 老师 spot, and had to handle everything on my own. I think I managed to do things well. I got to meet some really sincere friendly girls there. The singers. They're more sincere and real than those in Imperial. I even went out for supper after work once.

July: After a month in Baidu, I realised that my life was oh so mundane. I'm leading a boring life and it's not the kind I like. I did some soul searching and was finally enlightened. I wanted to venture into culinary business. And while surfing the Net for information on the mandatory hygience course, I came across a webby by At-Sunrice, and eventually signed up for a 1.5 years full time diploma course. The time lapse between spotting the website to enrolling was jus 4 days. I would say that it was pretty rushed.

When school started, I faced a major problem of needing to work at 10pm to 3am, and school from 8am to 5pm, not inclusive of travelling time. I started off by taking one MC per week for the first few weeks to get sufficient rest. I even rented a car for an entire month in August to try to cope with this. Eventually, I decided that I could not do it, and had to quit my ktv job. It was a painful decision.

Also, I got together with Kailian this month. A girl I met online. Something I made a super wrong decision in. I knew her since Feb, and we went out a few times together. Somehow, I just thought hey, let's just try to get tgt and see how things go. In a way, I was being very very selfish cuz I din really love her, but was juz "trying out" and using her to forget Yanjia.

When I was with her, I was really trying to and making her happy. It wasn't an all emo kinda relationship. Over time, the personality differences as well as the lack of communication(communicating topics and understanding) got to me, and I felt a bit tired of things. What's the point of a gf whom you cant talk to..

Aug: While in school, I met ShuYun, who was coincidentally from NUS Architechture, and also from the same batch as myself, o8. This came as a big surprised because I did not expect to see any NUS student in Sunrice, much less from the same batch. We started of clicking quite well...

Also, this month happened to be the last month I'm playing in a KTV. I was actually quite relieved and happy because the work and study issue was really making me very very tired, and it was draining my life force away. Nevertheless, I was missing playing, and recorded my last shows on audio. Times in Baidu when I was playing with Xiao Yi was super fun. He was a host who knew how to control the customers' reactions, and I had to work on my effect and keyboards stuff impromptu, in sync with him. The experience was super duper fun.

Sep: Sch Sch Sch. I became more awake and alert, and started to pick things up faster. I needed time to get my vitality back though.

October: Term 1 ended, and there was a break. My ShuYun Daniel went over to the Philippines (Laoag and Manila) and met up with Roxanne and Michael there. They brought us around. Philippine story would be on another post.. I hope.

Prior to Philippines, I went to KL with kailian too.

In Philippines, something happened. Something I did not expect of myself in the wildest of dreams. It opened a huge door.

I came back to Singapore slightly changed, and by the end of October, broke up with Kailian. It was a lesson to remember. Something I would remember forever. I felt really guilty when breaking up because I did not love her in the first place when I got together with her. She did love me though. And because of such, I hurt her a lot a lot alot. So much so that she landed in hospital. I felt really bad about it but could only hope for the best. I'm still hoping that she's leading a normal life now. I caused her such hurt and pain, and can only say that I owe her something forever.

Also in Oct, I started my first attachment site in RWS at Fiesta.

Nov: Yun and I got closer after that. Nov was filled with school, work, and free times with her.

December:
My birthday.
With Yun. On the actual day, and 3 days later. We had dinner at Hokkaido Japanese Reataurant at M Hotel. She bought me Antoinette's Mont Blanc too cuz I havent tried a Mont Blanc prior to that. She also bought an Antoinette. It was an Omakase meal with a super reasonable price.
3 days later was at Blu, which I really enjoyed. There was a lobster dish with egg plant that stood out. The textures and tastes were very nicely blended! Prezzie: A self-sewn apron of Pineapples(she calls me Pineapple), a lip balm, and boxers.

With Almido. It was a couple of days before, and we celebrated mine, Russel and Terence's birthdays together. It was a meal at MdZ or sth like that at Orchard Central, followed by cake cutting and prezzie time at an area near Scape. Prezzie: 2 tees! Good cuz I dun have time to shop these days.

Last one with my family. It was a dinner at Man Fu Yuan. Tea Pairing. Something new to experience, but not something I would go for again. The food was good though. Better than Royal China.

Xmas: Spent it with Almido with the gift exchange, and spent the actual day working. Met to Genting on 26 to 28 with Yun to chill.

New Year: No countdown nothing. Working. At least last yr I was doing a count down show at my ktv.

December was also the month that Yun became The Girlfriend.


A very very very long year. Most of my time now is occupied my work, school and the gf. I really love her a lot, and despite some differences we have, I do hope we can have a happy ending. It's all about faith and fate. Fate brought us together. Had we met in NUS, I dun think we'd even started talking. Some how, all the way to culinary school, we met, talked, got close, and got together. Someone I'm putting everything I have onto. Time, effort.

Her birthday's coming and I hope I can do something about it. The indefinite schedules we have doesnt help in my planning at all too.

Hoping for the best, and I will definitely do my best.

I hope those still stalking my blog have a rough idea what I went through the entire year......

Year 2012, It's a big mystery. I know for sure that it'll be filled with memories of the gf. Happy memories. =)