Spent the past 8 hours emo-ing and thinking about my life, about my future, what to do after graduation, and her. I love her. But.. I feel so lost now.. So empty, but many things that I do not know. I'm living in self delusion..

Just why are things like that? When we just got together, you were super insecure and kept on asking me if I would  bring a 3rd party between us. I told you firmly, no. Then you asked, how can i prove it. I said that I could not, but in any case, if there is one day I did not love you anymore, I would let you know, and not let things drag. The day I stop letting you read me is the day we shall end. 

And things went on well after that. A couple of months later, a third party came in. And u brought it in. What is this? Revenge? After all these months and so many things gone through? You just escape, choosing an easy path. I am deeply hurt. 

A wise man said.. "You dont want to ask questions you dont want to know the answers to." I agree. I have nothing left to lose. Everything to win. 

I failed in my patience a few times.. even the last time with yj.. patience failed and it destroyed everything. I shall just absorb everything and hope for the best. Hoping that someone's patience will run out. 

How many guys in this world would willing be a "joel" in the yj situation? That is to be close to someone, to love someone, and yet let the someone have a bf still whom she spends time with. I was in that position, and I could not stand it already. Perhaps if the guy was just bs-ing and using the girl as a sex partner, then that might be it. Other than that.. nah.. Shall see. Patience. And a lot a lot of self absorbing..

I almost lost her. Ball's now in her court and I would know the answer this Tues. I am very sad and cried a lot. It has been 6 months officially together and like 7.5 months unofficially. 

As I look through the dates and activity log of the dates we spent together, everything seemed just like yesterday. Our dinner at Megumi did not seem that long, but it was on 17/11. 

The first entry of the log was the super memorable night we spent walking home from Geylang! Singing, dancing, doing lots of stupid things together, something we did not think we would do in front of each other. 

Then the entire Nov and Dec suppers. I always meet her after work(I end at 11pm), and we talked, ate until about 2-ish before I go back home. We talked about alot, and had lots of problems as well. Be it coping with the study and work, different lifestyles, personalities, viewpoints, but it all turned out well in the end. 

I logged down every single day we met, and it was like 25 days in a month on average.

I hate myself. For being impatient at the wrong time. It has always been the case. I have always been impatient. But very patient to her. Why did I get uptight at that one moment on Saturday?! Things were already going right after the big Monday. Hiromi on Tues put things together. Making mash with bacon on Wed as you requested and we had a walk after that.. Something we had not done in a long time. And why must I get so uptight and thought that you were with him on Saturday morning when you did not answer my calls?! Turned out that she was not working, and wanted to surprise me at RWS after my work for a dinner together. She even thought of putting the $600 from WDA into our long long holiday fund, aka piggy bank. And I had to make one stupid mistake. This mistake is the one that is going to cost this relationship. 

I really love her a lot. I have never been so sad before. I was scared with yj, not so much of sad. I'm sad now. Very very sad.

When I get back home to my room, I see a queen sized mattres.. Just 4inches thick though. We bought it together so that we can sleep more comfortable when she stayed over. It was at a point 2 to 3 nights a week. I see the "good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite" bed shee/pillow case that she bought for us. When I lie on the bed, her familiar smell comes to me. The smell of her shampoo-moisturizer-oils. It's not pungent kind, it's a fragrace. I open on cupboard, and inside are all her stuff. Necessities and clothings. I am sad. Very. I randomly look around.. the hair-dryer I got for her.. her hairnet... Our herb garden.. The piggy banks... I close my curtains because she cannot sleep when the sun shines in.. "My eyes.. they burn!" She would say. In the toilet.. her cleanser, shampoo.. the toothbrush. 

I really love her. I really do.

I have always been committed by whole life. Even with kl.. I was when I was with her. I had patience.. I waited long for everyone. And it all ended without a happy ending. Happy ending!! That is what she said.. she longs for a happy ending for us. Before we got together, we told each other that we did not want a short term relationship. Long term. I am ready for a long term. I am. 

My Squirl... I really love you. Please don't give up on us. Give us one more chance. We do out best in this. I would treat you even better. I dont know how, but there sure would be a way. Have some faith in us, in me and in yourself. We have gone through a lot. It is really a lot for 6 months. It feels like a year or 1.5years actually. I became clingy because I cannot lose you to him. Because I love you so much. You know that I'm not the clingy kind.. that's why you decided to be with me in the first place. Let us walk thorugh this challenge together please? Nommy! 

From you silly pineapple fat mochi face small boy. 

Good night love...